By Johanna Carney, Staff Writer
“I watched a documentary last night about how ships are put together. It was riveting.”
Did you just groan? Maybe shake your head a little? I read this little jewel on a dry-erase board as the Quote of the Day in an office, and then I repeated it…often. I learned a couple of things. 1) Dry erase boards are remarkable, and 2) the response to a bad pun (and let’s face it, they’re all bad) is pretty much universal. First, the groan, with maybe an eye-roll or a shake of the head thrown in. And then, we have to tell someone else. Because who couldn’t use a little silliness in life?
Of course, if you’re going to tell bad jokes, there are a few simple rules. Jokes about unemployed people aren’t funny; they just don’t work. Don’t tell chemistry jokes, you won’t get a reaction. Avoid jokes about leeches, as they all suck. Be careful who you share your puns with. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. Finally, jokes about PMS are never funny. Period.
I had an eventful weekend. My friend and I went to the mall. I thought about getting a pair of tight leather pants, but they’re hard to pull off. I really wanted a camouflage shirt, but I couldn’t find one. We looked at shoes, and I realized that Velcro is just a big rip-off. We didn’t end up buying anything, but we did see an ad for some new reversible jackets, and I’m excited to see how those turn out. While we were at the mall, I lost my mood ring, and I don’t know how to feel about it. To make things better, my friend tried to buy me a gift, but I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves. I guess it’s just as well that we didn’t spend any money, because my friend just lost his job with the street department for stealing. I have to say I saw that coming. The last time i was at his house, all the signs were there. It’s not the first time he’s been fired, either. Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.
After the mall I tried to reserve a room at the library, but they were all booked. So instead I just checked out a book about anti-gravity, and it turned out to be impossible to put down.
Saturday evening we went to a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words. While there we saw that they’re finally making a film about clocks. It’s about time! After the theater I decided to stay up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Sunday was a day for just hanging out with friends and playing around at the park with some sports equipment. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me. We played ball for a bit. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. At the park they were setting up for a carnival, but some guy ran through and stole one of the magician’s props. I wonder if he got a fair trial. Either way, the magician got so mad that he pulled his hare out.
Back at home, I got out my iPhone and played around with it for a while. First, I changed its name to Titanic. It’s syncing now. Then I played around with the camera. I took a picture of a field of wheat, but it was grainy. I tried out eBay, but it was useless. I was looking up lighters and all they had was 10,412 matches. I did see a good deal on a burial plot, and I thought to myself, “This is the last thing I need.”
Finally, at the end of the night, I’ve found a little time for self-reflection. I’m really taking stock of what I’ve learned and how I’ve changed and what I would still like to change. I’m glad that I took the time recently to learn sign language; it’s pretty handy. I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t think I deserve it. At one time I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around. In the past I suffered from a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Here’s one final thought: What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Do you know any bad puns? If you know some, do the right thing and share them with everyone you know as often as possible. If you don’t know any, feel free to share mine. They’re not puns I came up with, anyway. I’d tell you one of my own about construction, but I’m still working on it.