A Little from Column ‘B’

Jesus Was a Socialist

By Bayani Domingo  –  04.06.2017

Jerusalem never had the Electoral College

There is probably a contradiction in calling the “King of Kings” a Socialist a Monarchist. Yet here I am doing just that. For this exercise let’s use a fairly simple definition for a fairly complex argument:

Socialism: a political and economic theory of social organization that advocates that the means of production, distribution, and exchange should be owned or regulated by the community as a whole.

That should sound mighty familiar to some of you regular church going types, a basic principle that opposes the idea of meritocratic capitalism and instead promotes equality amongst those of a community. There are no doubt dozens of stories in the bible which give examples of a certain bearded miracle worker touting the benefits of community over self. A wise man once said, “The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few”. Ok…that was Spock, but it sort of rings true here too. At no time during Bible Study did I ever remember the version of the story where Jesus turned 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish into enough food for 12 disciples, 100 of his wealthiest followers, and then negotiated a discount for the other 4,900 followers at such low low prices that you’d have to be an atheists not to take advantage.

Biblical scholar I am not, I wouldn’t even consider myself religious, but there are a few lessons I’ve learned about the “Good Book”. Jesus preached that you can only serve “one God” and that is not the almighty dollar, and certainly not a “golden tinted false idol”. I hear it is “easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God”. You thought Tax breaks for the rich, was one hell of a loophole? At a basic level those of us who grew up in Judeo-Christian Values understand the basic principles of forsaking personal gain, greed, and glory for an altruistic pursuit of helping others, charity, and caring for those less fortunate than ourselves, no matter how unfortunate we ourselves are. There’s never been a meritocracy when you go up to receive communion. I’ve never heard any priest say, “Save the GOOD body of Christ for the Johnsons, they’ve been EXTRA pious this week”.

Why is accepting that Jesus in present day would favor a Socialist society an important concept to accept? When you’ve got the Bible in one hand and the Constitution in the other, it’s hard to know get a good grip on reality. Trump’s budget proposal has a very Orwellian feel to it with large chunks being devoted to the military, defense, Homeland Security (and The Wall), and the Nuclear Security administration. However, there are huge cuts to the EPA, Labor, Education, Energy, Agriculture, and State Departments. How the hell will the “meek inherit the earth” when the EPA isn’t around to ensure we have an earth left to inherit? Though you look at the Social Services that the US does employ like; Social Security, Food stamps, Welfare, Educational assistance, Medicare/Medicaid, and Housing assistance, among others and you could see how this fits in the basic theme of Christianity. Yet because they fall under the auspice of “Socialist Programs” vs “Jesusian Programs” *copyright* then they are seen as “Un-American” and a slap to the face of democracy.

“Conservatives”, and who even knows what that means anymore, tend to be a group that cling to their Bibles like yoga pants on a stay at home Chardonnay mom. Yet, it feels ironic that they ridiculed the “Socialist Obama” for singlehandedly attempting to destroy democracy when so much of Socialism itself shares such similarities with Christian beliefs. But let’s face it; America is closer to a Republic than a true Democracy anyways. It’s sort of hard to preach about your love of the bible while ignoring some of the basic principles and teachings found within it. The hypocrisy of wanting to put God back into our schools, but keep it out of our politics is rich. If it was any richer it would’ve receive a fat tax break from TrumpCare. Maybe it’s time for “Conservatives” to practice what they preach, or at least, practice what they’ve BEEN preached. Because believe me America, we’re in trouble DEEP.

Column C:

• So Neo-Nazi groups in the US have started chugging Whole Milk as a symbol of their White Purity. In response I’m imploring all Asian Americans to respond with Soy Milk, Latinos with Horchata, and of course the current Cabinet to begin guzzling breast milk as a symbol of being complete boobs.

• Actually I hear Bernie Sanders refuses to drink low fat milk. He is incredulous about the top 2% of milk fat owning as much lactose as the bottom 90%.

• The Raiders are headed for Las Vegas…in 2020. While playing out the next few seasons in Oakland this could be the most awkward breakup in NFL history. “That’s right Oakland, I’m leaving you for a HOTTER city that’s up for ANYTHING! So…what’s for dinner? Don’t forget to drop off the rent check on Friday.”

• The more I see Donald Trump in those press conferences, the more I worry that he’s just the Vorgon advanced scout, and his “Infrastructure Plan” will include clearing the way for the Intergalactic Highway. #5%er

• Argentine Futbol star, Lionel Messi, has received a 4 game ban after verbally abusing an official in a game against Chile. Or as it’s being explained to American Football fans, “Two DUI’s, a domestic violence, and a dick pic accidentally sent to a Girl Scout troupe”.

• The proposed US Government’s ban of certain electronic devices like iPads and iPhones coming from Middle Eastern countries is ridiculous. Lost in all of this is the more ridiculous proposal that all passengers flying TO the Middle East will be required to carry Samsung Galaxy Note 7’s with them.

• At 73 Barry Manilow finally comes out of the closet. You know who’s really pissed about this revelation all these years later? Mandy. I mean she gave and she gave…but he was the one taking it…

• I’ve been imagining in my head what a Bill O’Reilly sexual harassment line would sound like, and all I can think of is: “If you think I lean hard to the right…you should check THIS out”

– B

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